Wait, what did I just do?

I don't know what just happened. How did I fall into this conundrum yet again? Who would have though that THIS would be my fate. To be pursued by every form of man but the one who would capture my heart.

He seems lovely enough. He has a charming smile and unpresumptuous manner. I admit I know very little about him so any judgements on his character are postponed till further inspection. Yet, giving him my number rather added to my currently prevalent anxiety over men. 

My brother told me two days ago that I was too picky. The fear did once or twice cross my mind! Of course if a woman has spurned the affections of four men in the past year then she would have cause to wonder. Is she being unreasonable? Is her type really not her type? Is she allowing her romantic tendencies to grow to unrealistically epic proportions?

And yet... shouldn't it be that a man make excitement and warmth seemingly rise to my earlobes whenever his eyes meet mine? Is this physical attraction something that one must grow into? Call me selfish but I care little for that hypothesis. Why should my story be one of gradual attraction? Why can I not have a man cause my knees to grow weak, my palms to sweat and my stomach to bunch up in knots as his tender fingers graze my own?  

AND WHY do all my recent journal entries seem to lament over the male sex? I theorize that all this drama stems from my desire to not deny any opportunity. To give a man a chance rather than slamming the proverbial door of rejection  in his face.  I myself know what that is like and I flee from it's familiarity. I do not desire to be the cause of someone's bruised heart.

But, wont he just come?

Father, can he not come and erase all of these frustrations? Could you not call me to singleness and simplify the nonsense? You know how that would start my slate afresh and why not? Why all of this? To what purpose does this emotional anguish serve me? 

I remember sitting in the kitchen when I was eleven years old. Awkward and chubby, My Titi LuLu sat me down and told me that men would one day be lining up to take my hand. I laughed at her and disregarded it as one of those things that every reassuring auntie says to her nieces. Yet, here I am. Though lately although many men have been knocking on the door of my heart none seem to have the key.

Father help me. Be my fortress, as you always have.

Remember to Remember

In Michaels Green’s book. “Evangelism in the Early Church.” He explains that the reason Christ spread His definitive Gospel so quickly was due to the constant conversing of believers who just had to tell someone. “Gospel Gossiping” Yes, the rumors were true, Jesus the Christ changed my life. 

Why is it that I can fall into the lie that conversing about Christ is difficult? Perhaps because it is placed into a box of effective evangelism. Here are your models, verses to memorize… go master these illustrations and your good to go! It’s enough to intimidate. 
Evangelism is more than arithmetic.

I think there are deeper causes.

Paul was a fireball. Every breath and pen stroke testified to his commitment to not forget. To never forget what Christ had done for him. Read any letter and it is steeped in passionate pleading for the salvation of everyone, Jew and Gentile. He remembered Christ’s lack of discrimination and that moment of blinding light and forgiveness. 
In Romans he says “I am proud of the good news!” such a stark contrast to the leaders of the early church spoken of in John 12, “ many of their leaders put their faith in Jesus, but they did not tell anyone about it…And besides, the leaders liked praise from others more than they liked praise from God.” By keeping silent, am I treasuring the praise of man…more than the praise of God? When did I become this? When did I loose sight of what Christ did for me and when did I forget?

I can’t say that these men’s experiences were less powerful than Paul’s. Because no matter what I think, these leaders still accepted Christ in a time where even the mention of His name could lose them their lives. Did I even face such danger in my conversion? But something happened. They forgot. Suddenly their encounter with God was turned into a stale memory. It wasn’t exciting anymore.

I think so many of us walk around as emaciated Christians, not just in the realms of Bible Study and theology but because we have forgotten the most effective tool in our tool box of conversion essentials…a memory.
A moment in our life when mercy called our names and swung open the shallow doors of our independence; a moment when you could hear His voice and you wondered how and why it had taken you this long to get there. He came for you. 
I remember my moment. It happened in my room on my floor, alone. Christ flew into my heart and I was rendered helpless to an onslaught of love and forgiveness. 
When was yours? 

These moments are the ones that stir our hearts. We remember. We remember what He did, and wows…wait, He is STILL doing stuff. 
Often times our evangelistic pursuits are built on a shallow surface of Bible jargon and good words to say. But to really cause people to dive-bomb into the well of living water, we have to give them a taste of it ourselves. What is more impacting than a person who is itching to tell you about this amazing man who has given them a home they couldn’t afford, children to a barren womb, favor from a professor. These are tastes and these are real and relatable and these are the things that we cannot forget.

Yes, the rumors are true. Jesus has saved me.

Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them. I don’t think it’s as difficult as I make it out to be. ::Deuteronomy 4:9::

PHaSE

Painted pictures on the wall
All that is left.
No judgments, no words of recompense.
You said, it was "just a phase."
Tell that to the empty space 
in my apartment

where your sofa used to lay.

Shattered,
Stainglass windows.
The very picture of health,
and you would'nt believe how I've been feeling!
since you took your books from 
off 
the 
shelf.
It was "just a phase"
It was "just a phase"

Rubber tires on a bed of grass.
Little ants being smooshed in their tracks.
A paper plane,

ripped into pieces before it's maiden flight
A wasted day...a wasted day
It was "just a phase"
It was "just a phase"

It was just a phase, it was just a phase

Wanting More

Wanting more.
Resembling a seven foot, black sooted playground slide.
You standing at the top, looking down it’s blotchy, silver aluminum and the charge that awaits you. 
There at the bottom, four men, in military raiment, stand at attention and wait for your concession.
Dressed for action, dressed for war, they seem to lunge at you. They grow all the more choleric as the minutes tick bye, bye.
As if, there had been some sort of mutual agreement. You would relent and they would devour. 
The taste of undeviating failure and discontentment, this is the slope from whence you would descend. Yet, you remained. Still there. To endure, at the top; Thinking that one could dismount
The jaunt down would not be painful of course...only, defeating. You hear the Spirit say. “You will not fail, you will not fall, you will not faint. I will give you an oil of joy for mourning.” 
He doesn’t hanker for your downswing or rejoice in your downfall.
He wants your masts well stayed. Grounded, rooted, established and sure. Burgeoned downward. 
Depth, rather than daring.
Be warned of the danger! Of living your life pledged to practical know-how. 
To, The Experience.
The slide will eventually end, you being left empty and despondent. 
Still, 
wanting more

About Me

  Are you a morning or night person? I'd like to say I'm both but I do tend to enjoy the mornings more             than the evenings.

Which do you prefer, sweet or salty foods? Sweet.

Ninjas or pirates? Haha. Pirates? Just because they tend to be more attractive.

What was your favorite childhood television program? Oh wow. I really loved Tail Spin

Are you a collector of anything? Journals? They tend to pile up pretty quickly.

What is usually your first thought when you wake up? Thank You Jesus!

What do you usually think about right before falling asleep? Um, various things...usually running through the past day's events

What's your favorite color? Honestly, it changes. This year, it's green.

Ever been addicted to a video/computer game? Which one(s)? I was so keen on getting past this one level on StarFox. The one where this big monkey guy tries to punch the be-je-bee's out of you. I don't think I ever made it.

Have any bad habits? I bite my nails. :/

Which bad habits, if any, drive you crazy? Biting my nails!

 List 1 thing you wish you could change about yourself: I'd like to have a redicuously fast metabolism. I like the idea of being able to compete in a 1 pound burger contest and go to the beach the next day without showing any difference.

Any tattoos or piercings? Just one in each ear. I did have a monroe and a nose ring at one time!

What's the first thing you notice in the opposite sex? Their Hair. I'm so weird. Then mostly it's their eyes.

What personality traits do you look for in a partner? Intelligence, calm, well-read, funny, a leader,

What personality traits do you dislike in other people? People who voice opinions based on what others have told them, rather than what they have researched.

Are you mostly a clean or messy person?Do you see yourself getting married in the next 5 years? If the Lord wills, Heck Ya!

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live? Currently, I am drawn to the idea of living somewhere in Europe, but honestly my preferences change daily.

If you could visit anywhere in the world, where would you go? Definitely India.

List 5 goals on your life's to-do list: 1) Run a Marathon 2) Visit India 3) Travel through Europe 4) See a Broadway Show 5) Have a spiritual grandchild.

Name 1 regret you have: Not being a better steward of my I-pod.

Name 1 thing you miss about being a kid: Having little/no responsibilities.

Name 1 thing you love about being an adult: I love being able to manage my own time.

What's your favorite song of the moment? Spotlight - MuteMath

What's your favorite song of all time? When I Fall In Love- Nat King Cole

What's your favorite thing to do on a Saturday night? Salsa Dancing! If not, then usually a trip to Yogurt Story is in order.

What's your favorite thing to do on a Sunday afternoon? NAP

You're about to walk the green mile, what do you have as your last meal? My Mothers homemade potato salad, baked beans, cheeseburgers and a slice of Strawberry Pie.

What would be your dream job? Hanging out with men and women, teaching them about the Lord, guiding them in their walk with Him, and serving alongside them...oh wait! I already am doing that! ^_^

 Name 1 thing not many people know about you: I love the outdoors!! Most people assume that since I enjoy using a hairdryer, dress cute and apply make-up regulary that this wouldn't be the case. But don't judge, I could honestly live in a tree.

If you HAD to change your name, what would you change it to? Evie

Do you believe in the afterlife? Yes. :) I can't wait.

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Orange Boxes, Blue Bags

When Jesus had said these things, He was troubled in spirit, and testified and said, “Most assuredly, I say to you, one of you will betray Me.” Then the disciples looked at one another, perplexed about whom He spoke. Now there was leaning on Jesus’ bosom one of His disciples, whom Jesus loved. Simon Peter therefore motioned to him to ask who it was of whom He spoke. Then, leaning back on Jesus’ breast, he said to Him, “Lord, who is it?” Jesus answered, “It is he to whom I shall give a piece of bread when I have dipped it.” And having dipped the bread, He gave it to Judas Iscariot, the son of Simon. Now after the piece of bread, Satan entered him. Then Jesus said to him, “What you do, do quickly.” But no one at the table knew for what reason He said this to him what reason He said this to him. For some thought, because Judas had the money box, that Jesus had said to him, “Buy those things we need for the feast,” or that he should give something to the poor."Having received the piece of bread, he then went out immediately. And it was night.

John 13:21-30 (New King James Version)

This whole interaction between Jesus and his disciples is border line bizarre. Jesus reveals the identity of his betrayer and the disciples sit there confused and befuddled. I mean, what? I have to admit that I had a hard time understanding the hard headed-ness, why did the disciples not see this?

"Simon Peter therefore motioned to him to ask who it was of whom He spoke.Then, leaning back on Jesus’ breast, he said to Him, 'Lord, who is it?' Jesus answered, 'It is he to whom I shall give a piece of bread when I have dipped it.'' And having dipped the bread, He gave it to Judas Iscariot, the son of Simon"

It seems ridiculously obvious. It's Judas! But as the importance of this revelation is established the disciples are unable to process or comprehend the immensity of the situation. Interestingly, as I was reading in my oh so handy study Bible, I found out that in Jewish culture the guest of honor was usually presented with the first piece of dipped bread. Here's some background. Judas was a trusted disciple. It was his responsibility to take care of the money box and here he is receiving a great honor. He held both Position and Prestige and the disciples could not see beyond this. In fact the disciples actually misunderstood Judas' swift departure as well. Thinking that Christ had told him to get more food or to go give money to the poor...RANDOM! How quickly had they forgotten the precious statement," one of you will betray me."

My ability to relate to the disciples in this moment was overshadowed by my disbelief. How could they be so dense? Yet, as I pondered the situation God brought to mind a similar occurrence in my life where this very thing happened.

See, I have tendency to lose things. Mainly because in the hurricanes of my life I have this habit of tossing all my stuff on the floor, bed, etc... Then I'm off to the next thing. There's not a lot of time, in my mind, to put things back where they go. Hm... I suppose this casting of all my cares on the bed deal is encouraged by the fact that I'm always running late... that's a whole 'nother blog however.

Well, in these chaotic state of life I had managed to misplace a box, a pretty sizable box. Which was a bit funny at the time because I have never managed to lose something with amount of mass. I mean, a box? Usually it's a shoe, my keys... even my glasses. How did I manage to lose a box in the small amount of space that is my bedroom? In fact, it wasn't the box itself that was important, but what was in the box. My brother's new cell phone. Which I had been meaning to send him! You're probably wondering what this has to do with Judas...it's coming, I promise!Another interesting fact. The box was bright orange, AT&T orange, to be exact. I managed to misplace a large, obnoxiously orange box. What a winner! So, for two weeks I was on the prowll for this orange box. After scowering my room I then began to branch out to my friend's cars, homes, church... bathrooms and I could not find it! At the end of the second week I had just had it and did something that I should have done a LONG time ago. I prayed. I said, " Jesus, I have no idea where it is and I KNOW it has to be in my room somewhere. Please open my eyes." I'm a little slow because wouldn't you know that I walked into my closest right after I had prayed and a blue bag caught my eye. Blue bag? I thought to myself. Not an orange box? Why this was nothing like what I had been looking for but for some reason it drew my attention. Then I remembered, I had bought that phone, in it's orange box, and the wonderful cell phone guy had put it in, of all things, a blue bag for easy portability! With veracity I jumped up and grabbed the corner of the bright blue, plastic and looked in. There was my orange box.

As I told the story to a friend of mine her response struck a chord. " Nichole, isn't that how life is?" Wow, was she dead on.

I actually had a lot to relate to with the disciples! They too had been looking for an orange box, the betrayer of Jesus. But when Jesus points to Judas they look at each other perplexed and confused. They saw the blue wrapping of Prestige and Position and were unable to see the truth. Judas was to betray the son of God.

So, how does this apply to our own lives? See, we do the same thing. We ask ourselves, " goodness, what would God want me to do in my life?" and we ask Him, " What would you do in my life?" We embark on this self exploration, we look for that orange box. Our calling, future, destiny, mission, whatever you want to call it and what do we do when were trying to find something? We ask ourselves questions, we retrace our steps. We look inside and say, "okay, what are my passions? What are my joys? What are my giftings?" These questions aren't wrong but I would say that they are just out of order. I did, and still do the same thing at times. For a week I retraced my steps, asked myself questions. It wasn't until a moment of desperation where I cried out to God. " LORD, Show me your way, show me where it is. Open my eyes!" That I finally found it.

We spend all of this time to-doing, and trying to logify and quantify God's will, that we get so caught up in it and we forget to ask God for his wisdom and enlightenment, the one who formed and created us! (Psalm 139)

At that moment, when I finally fell on my knees and asked the Lord to show me, I saw things that I had never seen before. How different would this story had been if the disciples had actually raised their hands said... " Uh, Jesus, we don't really get it. Whose gonna betray you? Do you mean Judas? 'Cause he's a pretty quality guy and you gave him the dipped bread and...we're just a little confused." See, when we finally ask Him our eyes are drawn to something so different than what we thought we needed but so perfect...that blue bag...and inside, really, we were looking for that all along.