Wait, what did I just do?

I don't know what just happened. How did I fall into this conundrum yet again? Who would have though that THIS would be my fate. To be pursued by every form of man but the one who would capture my heart.

He seems lovely enough. He has a charming smile and unpresumptuous manner. I admit I know very little about him so any judgements on his character are postponed till further inspection. Yet, giving him my number rather added to my currently prevalent anxiety over men. 

My brother told me two days ago that I was too picky. The fear did once or twice cross my mind! Of course if a woman has spurned the affections of four men in the past year then she would have cause to wonder. Is she being unreasonable? Is her type really not her type? Is she allowing her romantic tendencies to grow to unrealistically epic proportions?

And yet... shouldn't it be that a man make excitement and warmth seemingly rise to my earlobes whenever his eyes meet mine? Is this physical attraction something that one must grow into? Call me selfish but I care little for that hypothesis. Why should my story be one of gradual attraction? Why can I not have a man cause my knees to grow weak, my palms to sweat and my stomach to bunch up in knots as his tender fingers graze my own?  

AND WHY do all my recent journal entries seem to lament over the male sex? I theorize that all this drama stems from my desire to not deny any opportunity. To give a man a chance rather than slamming the proverbial door of rejection  in his face.  I myself know what that is like and I flee from it's familiarity. I do not desire to be the cause of someone's bruised heart.

But, wont he just come?

Father, can he not come and erase all of these frustrations? Could you not call me to singleness and simplify the nonsense? You know how that would start my slate afresh and why not? Why all of this? To what purpose does this emotional anguish serve me? 

I remember sitting in the kitchen when I was eleven years old. Awkward and chubby, My Titi LuLu sat me down and told me that men would one day be lining up to take my hand. I laughed at her and disregarded it as one of those things that every reassuring auntie says to her nieces. Yet, here I am. Though lately although many men have been knocking on the door of my heart none seem to have the key.

Father help me. Be my fortress, as you always have.